Every Fermenters Nightmare – Things that go POP in the Night

Listen in to how the conversation would go if a bunch of fermenting folk got together.

We are a funny old bunch of people us fermenters. Definitely extremely Cultured and some of us a tad aged.

We can be likened to witches as we diligently watch over our frothy, bubbling charges.

Perhaps like proud Moms as we oooh and ahhh over our growing scoby!

Or maybe just plain weird.

Imagine if we all got together for a dinner party and were asked to bring something along. Well there would of course be an array of flavoured kombucha to sip on and perhaps some home brewed beer. Kefir cream cheese and cultured butter to go with sour dough bread. Sauerkraut, kimchi and masses of other fermented veg. Salad dressing with fermented vinegar. Potatoes with cultured cream.

That would just be on one small corner of the table. The rest would be filled with baked goods using kefir and sour dough. Dips, dressings, yoghurt and sauces. The list of goods would be endless, as we would all want to showcase how skilled and indeed inventive we are at using cultured and fermented foods.

I guess that the conversation would go something like this:

“Darn kids, they ate all of the yoghurt, even after I expressly told them to leave at least a tablespoon full as a starter for my next batch. Anyone have a starter for me?”

“You think that’s bad. I gave my friend an heirloom yoghurt starter and do you know what she did with it? She forgot about it and left it in the fridge for absolutely ages. Needless to say it could no longer be used. What a waste. She is now my ex friend.”

“Don’t you hate it when you gift people some kefir grains and they don’t bother to use them?”

“Even worse is when you gift a scoby and they let it die. Do they not know the nurturing that it took to grow that precious thing in the first place?”

“I had to throw out my whole batch of kraut, it went mouldy.”

“I brought my scoby with me, take a look. Does that look normal, can I still use it?”

“I have to tell you all about the absolutely sublime creamy kefir horseradish dip that I made.”

“I could just not get my ginger bug reactivated. It simply refused to bubble again.”

“Where can I buy cheap swing top bottles?”

And then what is every Fermenters worst nightmare –

“I was fast asleep last night when I was wakened by a very loud popping noise. My eyes shot wide open and my heart began racing. I lay there very still for a while, a sweat breaking out on my upper lip. Was it someone trying to break in? Gunshots from down the road? The neighbours dratted cat knocking over my flower pots again?

I got up, put my slippers on and snuck out of the room. Hugging the wall so that if it was a burglar he would not see me. I crept along the passage. The noise seemed to have come from the kitchen. Peering around the corner, I could not see a thing but there was a strange smell. I cautiously tiptoed into the kitchen and nearly slipped on the floor. It was wet! What the heck was going on! I plucked up the courage to turn on the light. Yes you guessed it, I had forgotten to burp my Jun that morning and two of my four bottles had exploded.

I tell you, the mess was everywhere, took me an absolute age to clean up.”

Everyone would roll their eyes, tut tut and express sympathy.

As I said before, we are a funny old bunch but I tell you what: None of us has stomach complaints and we have been cured of a myriad of health issues. This because of our passion for these strange foods that change form. We don’t have to supplement with costly probiotics either.

Our hands may permanently smell yeasty but our eyes sparkle with good health.

So my message to you today, is to get busy being CULTURED!

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